Category: Dating and Relationships
Ok, I've run across this problem lately and I'd like to no what you all think. If your in a relationship with a guy or girl you love very mutch and there a very jelis person. They want you to drop all your friends of the opisit sex. Like delete them from msn, not call them, not hang out with them. Would you do it? Do you think its worth it?
I don't think I could resist, I have always needed my freedom and really had too much of people like that. maybe it's because I had too many situation like that, not only with boyfriends but even with normal friends that didn't let me live a second of my life without them controlling me or following me for some reason, but a situation like that would really make me anxious and make me feel like I'm literally soffocating. after all it's him having problems with my friends, not them with him, so for my opinion, his choice. stay and accept the fact that people care that I exist, or give up and search for someone who has no friends so there's no need to worry about it.
no, i'd never do that. the second the person i'm with starts trying to control me, we're over!
I agree with BD Marissa, I couldn't handle someone who made me drop all my friends just for them.
I have no interest in controling others, and wouldn't ask someone to do such a thing. In order for the two of us to have a working relationship, that person would need to feel similarly.
….Personally I would find that a situation to be most undesirable…for think about it…if you are dating and have deleted all others from the opposite sex from your life, think if you can how controlling that same person would be if you were to go on and marry them….not to mention you might miss the one you would be most contented in life with because you had fallen under another’s control and thereby lost that opportunity to meet with others.
No. If someone ever told me to do that then there is no relation ship. I want to be able to shoalize with othetrs and if I can not do that than I do not want to be in the relationship at all. Just my thoughts.
No way, never. I need freedom in a relationship, as we all do. that would just be opression and later lead to other conflicts. A successful rlationship has gotta have trust, and compromise. That wouldn't. If someone cared about the person they're with, they would care for their happiness, and ridding oneself of friends, who are a huge part of one's life, is not the first step on the rode to happiness.
I am lucky in that the person I'm in a relationship with does not do this, but if I were in such a situation, she's out the door. Most of my friends are female, so having to give up most of my friends and to have any new friends restricted to teh male gender would be unfair. This is a sign that the other person does not trust you, and one of hte most important things in a relationship is trust. So, no trust, no relationship.
Controlling people can be dangerous. Get the hell out of that relationship. Besides, you're what, 14? Break the habit of getting involved with controlling men now.
I could never give up my friends for the guy I was with. Not only should I be able to have my own friends and the freedom to talk to them, but he should know that I would never cheat on him anyway. The fact that he would be so insecure as to try to tell me who I could and couldn't spend time with would be very annoying to me, and the relationship would end for that reason. I don't like being told what to do if there's no good reason or no reason at all for it, and relationships should be based on trust anyway.
No, cause lets just say if you broke up with that guy or girl, you would not have no one to talk to, hang out with, and tell your problems to. So i think you should always stay with your friends.
well, for someone to be that jellus of someone and to try to tell them to drop all there friends or to not to talk to people of the opposit sex, even if they are your friends is just totaly wrong! i think people like that have major problems! i've knone a few people like that at my school who did that and threatened to hurt them if they didn't do what they said. the guy i knew even tried to rape his gf, because i do believe that he was on drugs or something. you really have to watch some people because u never know what they are like, and u wouldn't wanna be abused in any way. I have to have my freedom, no one can take it from me, so if it's a guy or gal that says for you to do that, brake up with them and fast!
Oh that is a damn hard question. I would first check if he/she has friends of the oposite sex too, before I would make any move of that sort. But I would be afraid to lose the partner, so yes, if it comes to that, then I would ... but I would try to explain this to my male friends.
i don't really think there is a great deal i can add to this thread. most of it has already been said. all i can say that is if this guy really did make that demand of you then he is clearly an extremely selfish and insecure person and does, under no circumstances, deserve your attentions. i'm afraid i can't agree with what you said though ines. if somebody made that demand of me they'd be out of my life in a hurry. no one person has the right to choose another's friends and submitting to that sort of behaviour would not be a good step in a relationship. being in a relationship with somebody else is being in a partnership, and what sort of partnership would it be if only one member had all the say?
I agree with the majority of yall, I would never stop talking to my guy friends, just because my B/F had problems with it
Ditto. What else is there to say? A partner who demands that he be the only one in your life doesn't trust, respect, or deserve you. Any relationship with him wouldn't be healthy, it wouldn't be equal, and in the long run, it wouldn't make you happy. That sort of request also rings a few alarm bells. If someone's that jealous and maladjusted at the outset, what's the next step going to be?
I can sum it upthis way. Men, are replacable, a good friend isn't. As for someone trying to explain to their friends why they needed to cut ties, I wouldn't hear it out, I'd probably drop them like a hot potato. if a guy or sex is more important then say years of friendship, I can find someone else who I can care about and you,t he friend that drops me, can go have a bunch of sex or this amazing time, but ifhe dumps you, don't cry to me because the door will be closed locked and not available to be opened.
I mean I do understand your points of view too. It would be hard for me as well, so maybe ... lol, I would talk to them secretly. that's the best solution.
Certainly not this person is desperately insecure in asking you to do this, they are trying to isolate you from all forms of contact, this is extremely dangerous as once you have no one to turn to they see it is possible to control your every move, and that is very hard to break away from as you may not even realise its happening..so the answer is I'd dump the numpty and leave them to their insecurity.
Staying friends with people he doesn't approve of in secret is not the answer. Dumping that controlling jerk is the only answer. Once he completely seperates you from all your friends and support system, he can do anything to you, including being physically abusive, and you won't have anyone to call for help because they will all be pissed at you for dumping them.
Well thank you all. Unfortunally I did stay with him, I did end up getting hurt in the long run. But luckally it wasn't over that. He wasn't all that controling on that. He wanted that, but I wasn't forced in the least bit. I just wanted every one's openion, I lost a few friends along the way. For I quit sports for him and lost contact with some because of that. But like most of you all said I wouldn't drop all my friends. And he didn't make me. And I would have had to leave him if he was going to force me to do that. But thank you all for answering.
well i have lived through this sort of thing and i can tell you it's not nice.
I have quite abit to say on this subject. Please forgive me if i come across a little blunt here i don't mean to at all but equally i am talking from experience. am not going into details or anything like that but my x couldn't take the fact that I had alot of women friends online and stuff like that. also i would help people with their personal issues and stuff like that, i still do that even now. but my x, she couldn't handle it. she kept accusing me of cheating. for an easy life I started drifting away from my friends. slowly and surely i started drifting away. she was my first serious relationship so i had no exprience to draw on in terms of what a relationship should be like. I definitely know that any relationship shouldn't be like that at all. for certain no. you have to have trust and respect for each other. it got to the point where by just to make sure she didn't accuse me that I would send her complete msn convo's of what transpired etc etc. she never asked it of me she kept saying that she didn't like my doing that but i didn't feel like i had a choice. being accused of cheating hurts like hell and it also knocks your confidents as well and it has much more long lasting affects on you it really does believe me am still living those affects to some degree. if there is something like that going on then honestly think about what you are doing, it's not a healthy situation to be in i can garantee. that isn't how a relationship should be not at all. i made a decision that i wouldn't let that happen to me again. it's real hurtful and damaging in so many ways.
the only real people who accept crap like that and even dish out crap like that are either having no expeirnece like myself, or insecure in themselves for what ever reason. it doesn't mean that they are bad people, but they can do bad things to you. this i the issue. they may well be wonderful people but that makes it even harder because if they are good people then why run from them, but for various reasons if you are in that kind of situation then you have to get out of it. it's a must and you can't accept that because you will start to lose your confidents, you will start to lose your inthusiasm for the relationship, you will settle just for a quiet life, you can't live life like that. nobody can. my advice to anybody is to try as hard as you can to break.
Hi yes I agree that a relationship is built on trust and if it is not there then you do not want to be with them at all. I red a book about a woman who was in a controling relationship. It was not fun and what made thingas worse was that he was the owned the tv network and so anything that was put on news had to be clearly edited before hand.
She also was not aloud to have any friends and it was a clapsed mall that gave her the currege to leave her husbin and thought she lost her job she did what was rite.
OK, just throwing my two cents into this convo:
I think it's ridiculous to ahve someone you date tell you with whom to be friends. If you're going to lunch with a business colleague who happens to be the opposite sex, that's pathetic... If you have a friend who's like a sibling to you and they're insecure about that, then dump the controlling jerk!
The only time I can undertand your boy/girlfriend being insecure about you being friends with someone of the opposite sex is if you dated/slept with/had feelings for them in the past. As such, they have a right to be insecure, as the relationship has passed the "friendship" boundary.
Just my two cents:
Kate
Right. For me, (and I came to this solution when I thought very hard about it), it would depend on how much the partner does for me. Of course, before I consider something of that kind, I would first see if he has female friends. And I would ask him for his reasons - because, I mean - if I really love someone, that someone should know that I can be trusted.
CM it's no that easy as the controlling aspect of the behaviour causes the victim to lose all ability to think and act for themselves, they literally become dependent and they also told that they cannot survive without the controlling partner, and unfortunately many of these creatures demand the entire control of all finances, so if the victim were to leave they would be completely destitute, not easy at all if there are children involved.
It is definitely not worth it. If it's happening to you, dump the person immediately.
That is not that easy as it seems, Leaffan. I guess I'd be torn appart lol
And that's kind of how I was. I didn't want to leave him, easier said than done I guess. But I do see what you all are saying.
Missy Rissy, hi sweetie… I want to commend you first on starting this topic for many replies have resulted with much in the way of ongoing discussion and thinking… this is good. I just want to add that after glancing at your profile I note your youthfulness of age…sweetie, whether young or older in age, love is felt and experienced and on oh so many levels…you’ve made mention that, “Unfortunally I did stay with him, I did end up getting hurt in the long run,” as well as, “I didn't want to leave him, easier said than done I guess.” …sweetie, as long as you know this relationship is not sealed in stone as it were…that the various commitments that you’ve made…that if you chose to break as it were on any of these commitments, then it is after a long and hard look at all of this…you are wise now to take time to stop and think and ask questions…maintain thinking Missy Rissy and I do sincerely wish all the very best for you and friendships/relationships you have as well as those in a future that shall be yours. You go girl and BE your very best self for as you are your best self…then as you go along may you meet with others who are BEing their best selves…grow sweet one…and realize that with the growing so too the pains… *Hugs …and may your scars from the pains be turned rather into stars as it were.
Hey Rissa! Just to say never never never never never never never change to suit a partner. of course you must comprimise, but never change who you are. If they truely love you, they'll respect your personality and lifestyle as you are, and remember, i'm here if you ever wonna talk...
Thank you all, very mutch. I didn't, I wouldn't. But it was hard. And thank you all for being there. *hugs
No problem but all I'll say is if you get hurt, you deserve what you get if you don't listen to caring people's advice about someone you're with. Thisis not to say I approve abuse, rape or any fo the sort, but the fact is if you continue back itno the pattern after saying you want out, for me don't cry to me because I'll have no tissues at all.
MV It is utterly ridiculous to suggest that either party in a relationship,is in any way to blame for their partner's personality defects, Missy you take care and at least after this experience you are wiser now, and more aware.
Marissa, I kknow we didn't talk much, but you have my MSN and you can talk to me on here. I like listening if something's wrong. Cause I know how it is. I mean, not the same situation, but similar ones.
Yeah. This guy definetly has control and insecurity issues if he is asking you to do this. As many others have said, this is not a healthy situation to be in and you should bail as soon as possible.
I did, I'm out fo it. Mv, I never said anything to you. And I no that. I don't go to people crying after getting there advice. I don't understand why that was said. Thank you Ines. I don't have many girl friends to talk to. And I'd really like that. Thanks for being there.
Don't worry about MV she's naturally vindictive.
Anytime, Rissa. *smiles*
stuff that, no way would I give up my friends for one person. get lost!!!
lol
you gotta wonder about the level of trust and how far the relationships going to go if he/she won't let you have any friends of the opposite sex and is constantly jealous. Either the person has a problem or they have a reason to be jealous, either way, it's not worth it.
I say it's not worth anything if the relationship starts getting to that level of jealousy. It's utterly stupid and untrustworthy of them if they want you to go to the extreme of only having friends of your same sex. I'd seriously break up with a guy just for that reason.
a relationship is not controling other's life in the ability of power as a gf or bf have. a relationship is to care, and share. if another party does not understand this part of a relationship, he or she is not ability to love.
no, i'd never do that. just in case!
Ahh you say that but and it's a huge but, the problem with these guys is their ability to hide their true nature until it is too late, and the woman has either become completely besotted with him, or financially dependent.
i would never even try to control my partner and would never want a controling partner. As for leaving my friends of the opposite sex.. deffinantly not! I would leave the situation as soon as i started noticing the signs and move on with my life. Especially if you mary this person think of how many other ways they will be able to control you, not a good thought..so no i wouldn't do it to make a very long story short
hmmm, I don't think Vell was trying to be vindictive, nor have i ever seen her act as being accused! I would have to aggree with some of what she said! I have seen many times where someone asks for advice, doesn't take it, then comes back boo hooing about the ending results. i don't think she was saying that to just you. I think she was generalizing. I may be wrong, but I do know she's not a vindictive person! so yeah, that's my two sence for what it's worth! hehehe
Hmmm, well. You definitely shouldn't stay in the relationship if it ends up being controlling, and if they end up telling you who you should and shouldn't be with as far as friends. I've been in controlling situations before, trust me, it's best to avoid them...
I'm damn terrible. I admit it! I get way way jealous and I'm way insecure about my partner (even when not in a relationship but it is someone I like) spending time with the opposite sex. I am getting better though. I mean I've drummed into myself that yes of course it's all based on trust, and if ya can't trust your partner, it is over! so it's something I've had to work on but I think it's all about knowing where you stand too! I mean, if the relationship is all over the place, well shout the word "insecurity"! In my situations the guy does have more female friends and that's just life and I have to accept it. But ultimately as Kate said, the only time concern sounds permitted here is if they have had a past, (not all the time but sometimes it could be a cause for concern), and even if they flurt a lot I reckon!
jealousy can kill, but some how, it is good to have jealousy with a relationship. trust is the only word for every successful relationship to work up.
No, I don't think I would do, but I wouldn't end it so quickly, I would try to talk to that person. To me, my friends are incredibly important to me, and I couldn't leave them I don't think....I know that they were there before the relationship began, and will be until the end.
No I will most definitely NOT stop talking to my female friends just because my g/f doesn't approve of it. In my very first relationship I had. I was very good friends with a girl I met a program. Well I'd go over and hang out with her everyday. Well my g/f thought I was cheating on her and told me if I was to be with that I quit going over there to visit her everyday. I flat out told her this "I love ya but your not going to control me because you feel so insecure about me cheating on you". We fought alot afterwards over this particular situation for month then I dumped her ass because of it. It just got annoying for me.
If the person you are in a ralationship in is so insecure, then it's not worth it.
I Can relate, to a degree. I know someone who was so insecure that they spied on there partner, and it nearly distroyed the relationship.
In my ippinion, just tell the person of your insecurities, and try to work them out as best you can.
No, as that person can not respect the other people I have connections with that shares values with me, then I wouldn't enjoy that.